Fear & Insecurities
by pokker380
Summary: Jumin dealing with V's death. He has to confront his own fears and insecurities. Story events based on Jaehee's route, Jumin's route, Secret End 01 and Secret End 02. Please only read if you've unlock both secret ends. This story takes place after Chapter 4: First date & Confession of my other fanfic Mommy Zen, Daddy Jumin.


Caution: Very angst and mature.

'We have been friends for more than 20 years, Jihyun! Why can't you trust me and tell me everything?' Jumin angrily shook his best friend, his one and only friend.

'Jumin, I'm sorry. I wish I could but I can't tell you right now.' V was remorseful.

'I trusted you and did everything for the RFA.' The RFA was like a family to him. A legacy left behind by Rika. V somehow smiled at his words.

'Thank you for taking care of everything, Jumin. Please continue to look after the RFA as you always do. I have to go.' He stood there dumbfounded as V struggles to look for his way out. He had offered to get the best treatment for his failing eyes but V refuses. He says that this pain was a gift from Rika and he must endure it until the end of his life.

A few days later, the messenger received some weird combination of numbers from Saeyoung. As the rest of the RFA members struggle to comprehend the meaning behind it, Jumin immediately knew it was a coordinate. As he thought of the other possibilities, he remembered that Saeyoung has yet to contact or keep in touch with them for the last 24 hours and calls to his and MC phones ended up in voicemail. Sensing something amiss, he called Jaehee. 'Jaehee, the numbers that Saeyoung sent. It's a coordinate.' 'But Mr. Han, the coordinate is incomplete.' 'I don't care. Look for any relevant places with the coordinate. There must be some clue. Report back to me as soon as possible.' 'Yes, Mr. Han.' He hangs up the phone. 'God, what's going on?' He murmur to himself and hope everyone is safe.

Saeyoung and MC has informed the others that they'll be tracking down the hacker and get more information about Mint Eye. The mission is dangerous but Jumin couldn't do anything about it with his power without any solid evidence.

A few hours later, the messenger buzzes again. This time a complete coordinate and a SOS. The fact that the message came from V escalated his concerns. Jaehee immediately entered his room. 'Mr. Han. I gathered that there is a strange building in a remote area. It must the same place Saeyoung was heading to with MC.' 'Assistant Kang, how long will it take to reach there?' 'Wha- About a whole day by land, Mr. Han.' 'Then, call my security team. Prepare the helicopter and secure the flight permit.' 'But, Mr. Han-''Immediately.' Zen and Yoosong arrived in time to see him off. They would like to follow but Jumin won't allow anyone else to be in danger especially the RFA members, his family.

There was a sound of a gunshot almost muffled by the sound of the helicopter. 'The door is open. Back off. Three, two, one,' as one of the security personal announces. He gave his permission to his chief security to knock down the door. _What is this place?_ He thought to himself as the door swung open. Two of his men went in first and requesting for further instructions. Jumin gave the order to catch everyone on sight, unharmed. As his security made way, there was a woman's scream. A voice he thought belonged to a dead person known to him. He hurried down the hall and saw V lying on a pool of blood. His security has restrained the young man with the gun as he rushes to his childhood friend's side. He held V, staining his suit in process but he didn't care.

'Jihyun, hang in there. Jihyun!' He screamed his only friend's name and ordered for immediate paramedics. V slowly shifts his eyes but he couldn't see anything. His arm reaches out and Jumin grabs it. 'Jumin?' 'Jihyun, the medic's coming soon. Just hang in there.' With a ragged breath, V says 'I'm sorry, Jumin. Please take care of the RFA members.' With that, V drew his last breath. Jumin felt as if the dam containing his emotions crumbling down. He wanted to scream, to cry or to just to punch his friend awake. A soft sobbing sound caught his attention. As he looks up to the source, he found Rika in tears but in catatonic state. Rika, isn't she supposed to be dead? What is she doing here?

'Mr. Han, you're back. I heard Rika is not dead. Has V been lying to us all this time?' Jaehee gasps as she noticed his suit is stained with dried blood. 'Assistant Kang, I would like some time alone and do not wish to see anyone. If there's anything important just email to me. Let me know the when the investigation is done.'

* * *

Zen log off from the messenger after the chat with Jaehee with so many things on his mind. Rika has aphasia and was living in hiding. V committed suicide? He never believed V would take his own life when he held high regards on that man as V saved his life back then. V was practically his savior. Jaehee's word echoes in his mind like a mantra 'This messenger… many conversations have gone by here… but ultimately, I think this place should remain as a place for happy and fun conversations. Let's just say this messenger is where we hide the sad secrets and enjoy good news.' Arrgghh, Zen screamed in frustration as he scratches his head.

His phone buzzed again. A call from Jaehee.

'Hello, Zen. There's something I'd like to talk to you, but not in the messenger. It's about Jumin.'

'Is something wrong?' Zen asked, feeling extremely concerned.

There was a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. 'I'm afraid so. He's not picking up my calls and he hasn't showed up to work this morning.'

'What? He did call me last night.'

'What did you talked about? Did he say something important?' Jaehee asked as Zen's mind replayed the call. It was unusual for Jumin to call him out of the blue. He didn't say much but he said he just wanted to hear his voice as it calms him. Jumin ended the call abruptly with 'I won't forgive him. Never.' Zen realized he should have noticed the change in Jumin's attitude by then. Feeling worried and guilty, he felt the need to see Jumin right away.

'Jaehee, I'll go over to his house and see him right now. I'll talk to you soon.'

'Alright, be careful on your way there.'

'Thanks, bye.' He ended the call and grabs his riding gears and key. He rode his bike as fast as he can. Upon reaching the penthouse, he was immediately greeted by the chief security. 'Ah, Mr. Zen. Miss Kang told us about your arrival.' He took off his helmet and asks 'How is he?' 'Mr. Han has not left his penthouse since he return last night. It really made us really concerned.' 'Did he take his meals?' 'Yes but the chef notified us that he didn't eat more than a few bites.'

The lift to the penthouse floor took longer than usual as Zen pace around. When the lift's door opens, he rushes out and taps his keycard to the main entrance. Jumin has given him a master keycard for him to access everything and everywhere in the building so he can come and go as he pleases. But Zen never used it.

Zen opens the door to a dark surrounding. No lights were turned on. His nose starts to get itchy with the thought of Elizabeth 3rd might be lurking around. God, it's not the time to be concerned of that furball, he mumbled to himself. When he turns on the light, he found Jumin slump over the bar table, empty bottles of wine surrounds him. He hurried over to his side, careful with his steps along the way not to slip on any of the bottles.

'Jumin, hey, wake up. What happened?' He shook him awake. Zen has never seen him this drunk before as Jumin could handle alcohol very well. Jumin slowly opens his eyes and were shock to see Zen there. 'Hyun *hic* what are you *hic* doing here?' 'I was worried about you. Come on, let's get you to bed.' Zen grabs his arm and slings it around his shoulder to lift Jumin from the stool. He struggles to make their way to his room as Jumin is heavier than him and as tall as he is even though he has been working out a lot. Jumin has passed out along the way when he put him to bed.

The next morning, Jumin woke up with a terrible hangover. He heard footsteps coming to his way. As his eyes are still trying to adjust to the sunlight, he hears a familiar voice. 'So, you're finally awake.' 'Hyun?' Zen passes a hot mug of tea which he gladly accepts. 'What is this tea?' 'It's a tea I usually make when I have hangover. Drink some.' He takes a sip and felt his head cleared a bit. 'Better?' 'Yeah.' Jumin places the cup on the nightstand and gesture Zen to sit next to him. 'Wha-' Zen was caught surprised when Jumin's arm held him around his waist as he hug him from behind. He hid his face at the back of Zen's shoulder and says 'Thanks for coming, Hyun.' Zen is somewhat relieved. 'Don't mention it. We're supposed to get to know each other more right?' They stayed in that position for some time before Zen broke the silence. 'Say, where's Elizabeth 3rd?' 'I put her in one of the rooms and instructed a maid to feed it.' 'Is there something wrong, Jumin? Can we talk about it more?' Zen prods further. Jumin sighed. 'I don't think I can take care of Elizabeth well. I can't look at her without reminding me so much of them.'

Elizabeth 3rd was a cat rescued by Rika. V gave it its name. 'Jumin, I understand your pain but the cat is innocent in this. Elizabeth is happy here with you.' As much as he hates cats, Zen felt it's irresponsible to just throw a pet away. 'I don't know, Hyun. I just need some time to sort out myself. Can you stay for another day?' Weighing the gravity of the situation, Zen agreed. 'If it makes you feel better that I'm here, then I'll stay, no matter how bad it gets. I'll always be there for you.' 'Thanks, Hyun.'

Later that day, Jumin was in his study room checking his emails from Jaehee while Zen busies himself with the facilities in the building. He couldn't believe what he read from the report so he called Jaehee for clarification. 'Mr. Han, you're back. About the report-' Jumin cuts her speech 'Yes, about the report. Is everything 100% true?' Jaehee sighed. 'Yes, Mr. Han. Most of the information came from Saeyoung.' Jumin was dumbfounded. Jaehee continues 'What shall we do with this report, Mr. Han? Should we inform Zen and Yoosung as well?' 'No. Don't tell them the entire truth. Let the situation stay as it is.' 'But, Mr. Han… I understand.' 'If there's nothing else, I'll end this call.'

Jumin had thought about telling the entire truth to Yoosung and Zen but judging the situation, some secrets were best remain hidden. These are one of the secrets he would rather bring it to his grave if he has to. Yoosung looks up to Rika a lot and considers her his role model. She was also his own family. As for Zen, Rika was his very first few fans and it was her that brought him into RFA. He considers RFA as his new family. Yoosung and Zen don't need to know how V died for Rika either. It'll be even harder for them to accept V's death. Yoosung despised V for Rika's condition. Zen considered V as his savior when he saved him from that motorcycle accident.

As time gone by, Jumin has grown increasingly paranoid. He tries not to think about it but it got worst the more he ignored it. He was afraid. Afraid of losing things precious to him again. When his own father arranged marriage Sarah Choi to him, it added on to the messy pile of negativity in him. It felt like his own family sold him off. But it doesn't matter now as that troubled time is over.

Zen was enjoying the gym facilities when he got a call from his director. The production has to push forward his schedules as they realized they're not meeting the deadline. Zen was torn about it as he wanted to stay with Jumin when he needed him the most.

After dinner, Zen broke the news 'Jumin, I don't think I can stay after all. My production called that I have to be there tomorrow for the shooting. But I-' In a blind fit of anger, he pushes Zen to the wall and blocks his path with an arm on Zen's left to the wall. 'Damn it, Hyun. You say you'd stay.' 'I know and I'm sorry. Please don't be childish, Jumin.' 'Your career or me?' 'What? This is unfair.' 'I'll let you know what is unfair.'

He smashes his lips on Zen's in a forceful kiss. When Jumin tries to shove his tongue into his mouth, Zen bit on it and it angered him more. 'Jumin, stop it. I don't like this.' Jumin grabs him by his arm and forcefully pull him to his bedroom. Zen was thrown on the bed and landed on his stomach. Before he could register what's going on, Jumin has already removed his belt and tied his hands to the bed post. Zen's back facing Jumin. 'What are you doing? Untie me right now. I don't like this.' Jumin ignores his plea as he begun to pull on Zen's pants to strip him. Jumin in a blind fit of anger is as though he's being possessed by a demon. He grabs Zen's limp penis and begun stroking it rough and hard. 'Stop. Don't do this. It hurts' Zen pleads again. 'Tell me. Have you done this with any other man?' 'No. There's no one else. You're the only one. Let me go, Jumin. Please.' He ignores his pleas again as he stroke harder this time until Zen came in his hand.

He flips Zen to lie on his back. Remorse filled him entire being when he saw Zen had passed out in tears. Jumin finally realized that he's a monster and he had just sexually assaulted his beloved in a childish blind fit of anger just because he couldn't accept the fact that he couldn't stay longer. He quickly unties the belt that has been holding Zen's hands to the bed post. Red marks begin to form around his wrists. 'Oh God, Hyun. I'm so sorry. What have I done?' He cleans him up and put his clothes back on. Feeling that he's not fit to be with Zen anymore, he retreats to his study room.

Zen is awake some time later. While trying to grasp what had just happened, all he could think was Jumin. He had his modesty outraged by the very same man and yet he still cared, loved him even. Feeling a headache setting in, he shook his head. 'I must be mad to be still in love with this man.' He thought to himself. Logically, he should be hating Jumin for outraging hismodesty. Not wanting to leave things bad as it is, he went to look for him.

He found Jumin asleep while sitting on the couch. Papers and folders scattered around him. Jumin has been trying to immerse himself in his work to distract himself. Zen gathers the papers and found a certain report that piques his interest. It was none other than the report about the Mint Eye, Rika and V.

Zen couldn't believe what he had just read but decided to keep it to himself. Is this why he's been acting strange? How many secrets has he been hiding it to himself? Why is he carrying these entire burdens alone? So many unanswered questions but after reading the report, he grew more sympathy and fond towards him. He went back to the bedroom to grab some fresh sheets and cover it on Jumin. Then he gets under the cover as well and eventually fell asleep next to him.

Jumin was shocked to find Zen lying on his shoulder, asleep. Zen is awake when he shifted to move away slowly. 'Jumin, you're awake. How are you feeling?' Jumin felt a pang in his heart. 'I should be the one asking you that. Despite how selfish I treated you last night, why are you still so kind to me?' Zen sat up straight and hugs his legs as he look at his feet. 'I don't know. I can't seem to bring myself to hate you.' Jumin felt his throat dry as he tries to swallow a non-existent lump. 'I don't deserve you, Hyun. I can't control myself with my emotions. These tangled threads in my mind, it seem to just get a lot bigger. Let me carry all these burdens myself. I should be punished.'

'I think it's best if we part ways…' Jumin has turned around and was walking out when Zen rush forward and hug him from behind. 'Don't…' He tightens his grip as Jumin struggles to get away. He must not let Zen see his vulnerable side as he felt his façade is faltering. 'Don't say that, Jumin. Turn around and look at me.' Zen releases his hold and waits for his respond. Jumin turns around and hold Zen by the shoulder.

'Hyun, listen to me-' Zen pushes his hands away and barks back. 'No, you listen to me, Han Jumin. You can't just punish yourself and carry all the burden and fault on your own this way. It's not healthy.'

'But I'll hurt you. Like what I've did to you last night.'

'No one's perfect, Jumin. I might hurt you one day too. I've told you, didn't it? I'll stay with you no matter how bad it gets and I'll always be by your side.' Zen's tears threatening to flow. 'Talk to me, god damn it. Just don't push me away.'

Jumin realized it wasn't just him who was vulnerable. Zen also shares a fair amount of fear of loneliness due to his own past. He held him in an embrace as Zen sobs on his shoulder. 'You're such a crybaby.' Zen pushes away and lightly punches his shoulder. 'Am not. And you didn't let me finish my sentence last night.' Jumin tilt his head in confusion. Zen adds on 'I asked my director to give me another two days off so I can stay with you longer.'

Jumin instantly felt regret and thankful. Regret that he should have listened before acting drastically. Thankful for the sacrifices he's making for him and for him to stay by his side. 'Look, Hyun. I'm really sorry for what I've done to you yesterday. But this I promise you. As I try to detangle these threads, I want to share my burden with you as you share yours with me.'

Zen mumbled into his shoulder as Jumin embraces him again. 'You better be keeping that promise. I still can't forgive you what you have done to me but my feelings towards you have not changed.'

'Hyun... Thank you.'

Later that day they visited Saeyoung at the hospital. After getting updates that he can be discharged, they decided to hold V's funeral the next day. The morale was low but the bond between the RFA members grow stronger yet even though each of them have hidden secrets within them.


End file.
